If you have not noticed I have been pretty absent lately. Since I got back from Ragnar Trails Atlanta (details here) I just have not felt like writing. Of course I could blame fatigue or writers block or being busy, but to be honest I have no clue why I have been so complacent on this blog and commenting on posts lately. Maybe its tied into post Ragnar depression or linked to exhaustion resulting from the intensity of my training routine.
Ragnar Saturday a few weeks ago hit me with extreme fatigue. I passed out and woke up on Sunday feeling a little bit restored, I figured my recovery left me at least 70% and I would be good for some miles for the week. Because I felt ok I decided to push forward with my normal training regiment, topping off the following weekend with a five mile trail run on on Friday, Ten mile long run with 900 feet of elevation gain on Saturday and topping the week off with my first bike ride of the season a 55 mile effort ( not the smartest way to get my first ride of the year in as I should have started with lower miles).
By the start of Monday of last week, the 14th I found my body wanted to do no more. I woke up to get my normal run in and my body fought back hard forcing me back to bed. This same pattern followed through to Wednesday morning. Obviously I had hit a tipping point and my body needed extra rest. As I had a half marathon at the end of the week I did not fight it and just worked to recover and prepare for my race.
During this time my wife fretted that something was wrong, it was so unlike me to sleep in so many days in a row. She further worried that I was getting depressed and I was afraid of falling into old habits. I on the other hand was not fretting as I realized my body needed a break and I knew the ship would eventually right itself with time. The bigger realization though came from the realization that I could never return to who I was two years ago when I went from super unfit couch potato to who I am now. I realized for me there was no going back to that person.
Over the last two years I have changed both physically and mentally, in some ways transforming major characteristics that define who I am. The couch potato me would dream big things and keep those things as unreal ethereal dreams. That same person found joy and relaxation in video games and thirty plus different television shows. That me did not have a bit of hyper focus or drive to finish and achieve. That me preferred lazy afternoons on the couch. That me was afraid of failure and thus did not try.
In contrast my life is drastically different now. At any given moment I have a list of long, short and intermediate goals with accompanying strategies to achieve them. The current me often dreams big and finds ways to make those dreams a reality. My idea of fun now is long runs or bike rides. I no longer fear failure but accept and embrace it. I see that failure now is a measure of how hard I have to work to make things a success. I rarely watch television and have little involvement or desire to watch more than a fraction of what I used to partake. I still love geekery and all manner of nerdy endeavors, but I find more enjoyment in pushing my limits in my physical endeavors.
Because of this change I know and do not worry about ever going back to the slothful unfullfilling existence I had before. I know that if my body insists I take a day or two off its because I have put the work in and its trying to convey a message. I do not fear falling back to old habits as I am a different person now from two years ago and I know that when things are aligned again I will be back to work. I have thought long and hard about the old person and the new person, and while they are the same in essence, they are so completely different in tone and character. I like who I am now. i like pushing my limits and seeing how much further or longer I can run or bike. I want to know how much more can I suffer and hurt before its too much. I want to know what is possible with this body of mine and I want to fail and succeed. I truly know that there is no going back. Til next time.