Not All Changes Are Physical

I wanted to post a happy post today, but alas things change and now i find myself melancholy.  Over the past twenty years I have pretty much had one major constant friend and compatriot.  We were partners in crime and were involved in each others lives, connected at the hip.  Many of my major adult life events involve this friend, either directly or indirectly.  Over the past year, as I have undergone my transformation from couch potato to athlete, physical characteristics were not the only changes occurring.

Twenty years ago I was a very non-assertive, ultra geeky guy.  My friendships at this time, including the one referred to above, were based on my subservience or willingness to be the door mat.  I did not care and I let my easy going nature and personality omit the dynamic of this relationship.  Back then we had allot in common: sci-fi, books, video games, comic books, television and movies.    As long as I was willing to give in to my friends demands things worked well, the friendship grew and prospered.

Overtime me and this friend shared numerous adventures together and we often discussed the ramifications of life’s biggest moments.  in 1999, a year after my father passed away, I had quit school and decided I was done with it.  After numerous discussions, I had decided I needed to finish school and I ended going back to school, transferring to University of New Mexico, in some ways a major life decision.  It was this same friend who I discussed my intentions of marriage with my now wife.  This friend and I have been close.

Last year when I started this transformation all seemed good.  But I found as time wore on and I completed my first triathlon I had changed in ways beyond physical.  I had found a confidence and assertiveness that did not exist previously.  My life focus changed.  Instead of planning my fall television schedule I started to plan my next season race schedule. I became fixated on all things swim, bike, run.  Additionally, I became more interested in active activities.  I still love the ‘geekery’ but it is no longer a driving force in my life.  Over time I have employed some balance and I discuss my triathlon passion a little less around non-triathlon friends.  I have found that with time, this divide has grown.  I notice I rarely have much to talk about with my close friend and other friends in our circles.  The latest television shows and movies are the last interest I have right now, how about we talk about Kona or anything but activities focused on a but in a chair.

Unfortunately the changes have grown too much, creating a chasm where once there was a minor crack.  The personality change, increased assertiveness and belief in self has acted like the biggest crow bar to tear this friendship apart.  I realize now that this friendship needed me unsure and submissive for it to work, unfortunately I am no longer that person.   I am no longer the person who just gives in, I am a fighter and a scrapper, I have a voice.  Finally the tension in my friendship became an unstoppable, destructible force that has caused the fragile relationship to fall apart.  After twenty years we have decided we are too different now for the friendship to work.  This friendship needs someone to ‘give in’ and play quiet and apologetic.  That is no longer me and thus it has to end.  I am saddened to loose such a close friend, but I have changed and thus the friendship is over.

Til next time.





  1. Beautifully written post about growing pains. You should pat yourself on the back. It’s not always easy becoming who you’re meant to be…

  2. Sadly that’s just the way it is brother. I can relate, I lost my best friend that way too. It was worth the loss though. Absolutely worth it.

  3. Love the spirit of this. Go you!

  4. Surround yourself with those that will lift you up rather than tare you down.

  5. kruzmeister · · Reply

    I can completely identify with this post Chatter. I too have grown apart from many friends who in hindsight were really just there for what I could offer them, which in a lot of cases was me being an emotional punching bag. What I have been through with my illness in the past several years and also the confidence I have gained through triathlon again has brought with it a lot of growth and I’ve grown away from a lot of people I thought were friends and that is not necessarily a bad thing. I think like you, the important thing now is to surround yourself with people who genuinely care and lift you up and fill you with positive energy, who also don’t use you up or sap the life out of you with their negativity. In the end you only need answer to yourself and if you can continue to grow and feel confident about who you are, where you are and the direction in which you are heading, then those who ‘fake’ their friendship with you, will eventually fall away.

  6. […] Not All Changes Are Physical ( […]

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